I cried

Last night I had some big laughs with some friends behind my place. I mean a mamak session with anyone is gurantee good night out. Better still if the company and the place is my type. I left my laptop on to download Grey Anatomy Season 3. I came home and watched episode 3 and 4. When I finished the forth episode, I went to the bathroom and took a piece of tissue to wipe of the tears. I mean that series is really good compared to most series I’ve ever watched. This series is so unpredictable. Yes, I am a TV series addict!!!

I closed my eyes and flashbacks the final moment of the episode. Suddenly, I have one of the worse feeling on my life. I mean seriously, I would only cry so bad if I have heart to heart talk with my mum or when I’m in the altar call which I’ve hardly cry for the past 6 months or longer. I always portray a very ego and strong person especially since my dad left home. I told myself, nothing is bad enough worth my tears. I cried for ten minutes at first and went back downstairs. I switched off the lights and the TV. I spoke to this particular person whom I am not ready to mention here. I wanted to tell him something. Something that has been in my head for some time.

The minute I wanted to start, I ran back upstairs and started crying again. This time, it was bad.I can’t stop sobbing. It was like losing someone close to me. I was trying very hard to stop crying. I saw my dog coming upstairs. Few minutes later, my room light was on, I saw my mum walking in asking me what was wrong. I tried to figure out what was not right. I can’t put it onto sentences. I told her nothing and I would tell her when I am ready. Mum, I know you’ll be there for me whenever I need you. I know you are worried when you see me crying like this for the first time in my room and you can’t figure out why. You must have not sleep and questioned yourself and throw yourself with blames and questions all over you. It’s not about you, mum.

I went down to continue the conversation with that person, teared a little more while. I spoke to the person again. I was never so fragile. Probably it is the thoughts of getting into a relationship freaked me. I was afraid of hurting both party. I know I still have a very big wall, the wall to my heart was very solid and strong. It takes something great to break into my heart. I’ve stopped speaking to God now. I’ve stopped going to church for two years or more now. I know nothing can go through my heart. I’m worried that I’ll disappoint that person. Not so much of getting together but the commitment that I am willing to stake. The pain that I am going to go through if this don’t work out. I don’t want to end up a loner in years to come because I don’t want to fall in love again.

It was devastating. Not because I’ve been in bad relationships. To see my parents getting divorced does impact me a lot. The things that I need to think about before I decided to throw myself into a deep mud hole. I didn’t know where that feeling came from. Not from that show, not from the tissue, not from my heart. It just strikes me. I told the person that I am willing to walk away. All that person need to do is to say so. I am happier to see someone I know, someone I care for happier than waiting for me to go through the walls of insecurity. I know he will read this. I know he wants to comment about it. Please don’t. I had to go through sobs every time someone treats me too nice. I’m not worth those treatment. You may say it is my past, my past still haunt me. My past build and mold the person I am today. Who I am today is because things I have gone through.

queue

You know what, I don’t care what you call me but I fucking seriously hate it when people don’t line up. I’m blogging at college at the front foyer while waiting for my friend to come pick me up. Most of my classmates are already heading to Mid Valley to watch movie. I just took my exam docket.

No offense to HELP but I think they have very bad inefficient system going on. I mean don’t blame the students when they don’t queue up to collect their dockets or just a fucking piece of paper because you don’t have a system going on. How do you expect students to queue up to collect the document when the students barged in and jump queue because who on earth will go all the way to the back to queue? I just can’t stand people who cut lines or perhaps do not even queue, they barged in as though they’ve been waiting for a long time.

Whether in the bus stand or the train station, I get very pissed when they jump queue. Seriously, be a little civilized and queue for your fucking turn.

relationships

I must admit I am damn afraid of it. I know many of you will ask about my knowledge about this. I think that relationship builds with time not age. I am not expert in relationships but I know some strong elements about relationships. Communication is a must. Trust and compromise.

When I talk too much, the other party said I am babbling nonsense. You don’t talk, I won’t know what you want from me. Different people got different expectations of others. I admit I do talk too much sometimes, nonsensical at times but it’s part of me that I have been raise since young. When I keep my silence, he would say something is not right with me today. To talk or not to talk. In my Human Communication lectures, I learned that communication is not only about words, noise but also the non-verbal part where touches and body contacts are also necessity.

How much should I trust a person? Especially when I’m jeopardizing my feelings into it. I am scared of putting everything inside and end of the day, I’ve got nothing but heartache. I once trusted a person with all my heart but he doubted me so much, ended up he got very suspicious over me. When I tell him about my whereabouts and who I’m with, he’ll still ask details to check on me. I need a lot of space in a relationship. I can’t stand it when one to call me every ten minutes to check on me, to go wherever I go, to text me every five minutes when I’m in college. There must be a fine line there where we both can’t cross over the other side. Privacy to certain limit.

What more could I give? Many men expects me to give in my body to them. All he would say is “Let’s make love!” and I know he’ll be happy because I know he is satisfied. How much and how long I’m not sure. But I definitely gave in and slowly time after time, I eventually lost my feelings. Not that I do it without feelings but there’s no more emotional attached to the person I have sex with. I’ve lost my emotional needs in relationships. I tried but I can’t figure out what I need in a relationship. Whether is it physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, art of services or receiving gifts? I am all numb when he asked me to answer him. To tell him what I need. I’m afraid of opening up all over again. I’m terrified of relationships.

puke

I FEEL LIKE PUKING!!!

three more up

I just finished my Human Com aka V for Vendetta presentation. I still got CTS movie reviews to do- Vertical Limit and Dead Poets Society due on monday, English presentation on tuesday and Business presentation on wednesday.

Kim’s birthday party.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM!

I was there. I wanted to skip but I told myself, I’ll be the worst person if I don’t appear in Bar Sa Vanh that night. Matt picked me up. Met up with Kim, Sab and one more guy. Then, Mun Choong came along. Mun Keat and dunno-who. I’m bad at names. Xin Kei, Karl, Fabien and Wern eventually showed up. It was like a high school gathering. We didn’t catch up much but it’s like a relieve seeing familiar faces after two years of graduating. Damn, I feel so old now. Anyways, I gota know some Johnie Walker people in the club and exchanged their name cards. After graduating, I am seriously considering working in liquor or tobacco company. I got home around 3-ish. Matt sounded me the whole night. Yet, he’s still the best one.

I spent my friday in college. I mean who goes to college on fridays. I don’t have class on fridays. And I have to get to college just to watch a movie. I spent my whole friday with headache and freeze. Something is seriously not right with body. Some massive physical changes.

As for now, I’m in front of the computer lab in HELP waiting for a friend to pick me up. I heard the bloody ‘V for Vendetta’ review at least 20 times earlier before my turn. Some smartass people came over to take down notes so that they no need to squeeze much brain juice for their presentation. So unfair right??? It’s OK.. I’ll skip all my HCM class next week. Can go home early and sleep.

I don’t know what’s coming up for the weekend. I got a wedding dinner tonight. Not decided what to wear yet.

black or white?

It’s two different colours. Big differences and no similarities at all. In my closet, I have more blacks compared to whites but nowadays I bought more white compared to black because it is easy to match. But still, black is always and has always been my favourite colour.

Some people may appear to be in the black world but somehow they are white or vise versa. I can’t differentiate between the good black or the bad black. Whites are also the same. No difference. Black- it’s all about the dirty games and things they do that have to be kept discreetly. I find those involved in the black market are pretty interesting. And for some reasons, I find them more trustworthy compared those in the bright white light. Though they might be sneaky and all, to them trust and brotherhood is in their blood. Sometimes, I wished this two things are in our blood.

As for the other side of the colour, it’s just the right opposite. It’s the good, saint and yada yada yada. The list would never end and I’m never near there. Some says, I look good in white compared to black. I think I prefer black because of the mysterious. I dislike telling people who I am, especially I don’t want people to see me as a goody goody girl. I assume no one ever see me in that way no matter what colour I wear. Some who are in the bright light may appear nice and all, I know some who act like jerks and assholes. True, they are the Disgusting White. They just look saint. Don’t get screwed over them.

The people I know over the years have consist both colours. No one is neutral in this world. You are either black or white. When I found out the two different colours in people when I was 15, I know I’m not in the right track for my age. Yes, sometimes I do wonder do these things happen coincidently or it’s my fate to see things and know them at such age. Perhaps because of this, I came out to this dog-eat-dog world much earlier compared to most kids my age. I’m not bragging but I think I know what it takes to be up there and what you should do and shits like that. No right person would talk to some suckers down the road if you don’t dress well or at least carry yourself well. That’s the reason why confidence is number one thing whether you look good or not. If you are proud of yourself, others will look up to you.

I can’t categorized myself as the black nor the white. I used to be in the black. Then, I came to realization black isn’t really my thing. It’s too complicated for a young girl like me. I’m proud to admit, I’ve not done any drugs. Believe it or not, I’m ANTI DRUG fella. I think drugs including weed is not my thing. Whether it brings peace or high to my head, I learned that drugs are just not my in my list of pleasure and fun. When I got to see what drugs do to my friends, I must say I had enough of drugs. It’s like taking my own life away. I don’t want to be involved with those kind of shits. So, I kept low.

Now I’m the good black or the dirty white. I think good black sounds so much better. Which category are you in? The BLACK or WHITE?

please remember my name

I woke up with phlegm on my throat. I can’t eat because of my bad cough. Little brother went to the doctor because of his injury and got additional medication for me. I took another day MC. I can’t sleep 4 hours a day now and feel super hyper. I need at least 8 hours now to keep me alive.

When I went over for lunch near my place- I was craving for Pan Mee- the minute I sat in the car, my head started paining. When we got to the food place near my house, I was feeling the worst time. My head kept spinning and I couldn’t sit still. I had my food and left ASAP. I got home and slept. I woke up every 2 hours because of my cough.

Tonight, I’m supposed to go to Kim’s birthday party at Bar Sa Vahn but I’m feeling so awful. If I could drag myself there, I think I can’t drink because of the medication, I can’t smoke much because of the cough, I can’t dance because I’ll be coughing and dancing at the same time. I hate getting sick! Blardy fool. I got so many things up. Bodoh! Shall I or shall I not go? This would be the only time we could meet up. Argh, BENCI!!

not selected

Yes, I wasn’t selected to the finals. I didn’t expect it at all. Not that I’ve got no confidence. For the fact that there are more pretty girls and ‘XXX’ girls. The results are predicted. At least I got 5 out of 8 right! Congrats to Renee. She’s one of the finals.

I’m not going to Cosmo thing tomorrow not that I gave up or what shit. I’m just not physically well. I’ve been coughing like mad. My immune system isn’t right. I need to get my body right before I start doing any shits. Plus, I’ve got many assignments due over the weekend.

Good night, beauties. We found Earl. I deleted the post because it frightens me.

streamyx

I hate streamyx. Last night around 12 ish, it was raining over in my place. I had my medicine, I’m drowsy and would really want to sleep. Suddenly a loud strike came, scared my ass. The whole Internet went down. I was fucking annoyed. I thought the connection was down again. Why can’t they upgrade their service better?

I tried reconnecting, it failed. I was so worried my router/modem went cuckoo. I restart my computer at least three times and I still can’t connect. I gave up. I slept and will try again when I’m awake. I woke up, the first thing I did was restart my computer and sign my Streamyx, it’s official my modem had went cuckoo. I was PISSED! Tak gune!!!

Was late for my Business tutorial. My group did a great job on that group assignment. I felt bad, this time I only did one page out of the 14 pages. Well, at least for once I don’t have to do everything all by my own. My group members rocks! Went for CTS, spent the entire time cock talking with my mates and the teacher. The spider on the top, totally captivating. That’s the only thing my eyes pay attention to. The spider between her cleavage. Ehm ehm.. Bing, do not laugh!

Had Human Com tutorial. Did a group speech on ‘Pre-Marital Sex’ to the kindergarten kids. I mean, how on Earth we are supposed to come out with that speech. Bloody hilarious! Then, we had a debate on ‘Abortion’, our group got the against side. As usual with Nenna, she rocks hard! She’s a good debater.

I’m home now, I tried signing in and I could surf the Internet. Yehoo…

I’m in Palm Beach pageant tonight. Cosmo Pageant tomorrow. Kim’s birthday party in Bar Sa Vahn tomorrow night. CTS movie on Friday. Human Com presentation on Sat morning. Replacement for LAN on Sat afternoon. Wedding dinner on Sat night. CTS movie review due on Monday. English oral presentation on Tuesday. I’m fucking piled up the entire week.

And wish me luck tonight and tomorrow night. Not expecting anything though. I just hope I don’t fall flat on my face. *cross fingers*

pirated version of me

When rojaks featured me in his blog for Together Gather Sneak Peek Part 1. My hits eventually went real high. He put these pics on:

Then, last week lim peh did a pirated version on me. I assume is a shim. He compared me with shim. I was disgusted. Serious shit. I mean do I look anything like that?

Laters, today, I found out another fella FLSam did a second pirated version of flippingskirt. At least this is so much better than the first one. Just a little overrated. Kids under 18 should not take a look at this.

I wonder what would version 3 , 4 and more to come..how interesting. FLSam suggested to get more flippinggirls for 2008 gathering party!!! Can’t wait!!